“I can’t see what’s in front of me, still I will trust you. Though the night is long, there is a calming dawn. The light is breaking.” – Steffany Gretzinger
Judy King raised a very independent daughter. She did everything in her power to give me the tools to handle life, but she was always there to help me. When I lost her, I promised myself I would never become dependent on anyone ever again. I promised myself I would learn to do everything on my own. Little did I realize that mindset was extremely detrimental to my relationship with God because I am certain I made up my mind I didn’t need to need Him either. I begged and pleaded with Him for her healing, and he didn’t answer me the way I desired.
Needless to say, there was a huge void in my life when Mom died. I tried to fill that void with some pretty dumb stuff. I still struggle daily with filling the void with things other than Him. Some days I realize exactly what I am doing and other days, I truly don’t even know what I have done until I’m so deep in a pit of sin, and I can’t find my way out.
A precious friend sent me a song this week. I HAVE to share it. I am certain we are able to process life better through music. Little did my friend, a true kindred spirit, know how much I desperately needed to hear every single word of this song.
While listening for the first time, I sat in my office at school and wept. I wept at the beauty of the lyrics. I wept at the beauty of the music. I wept for the depth of my sin. I wept for the depth of my anger, fear, resentment, and lack of trust. I felt years worth of frustration pouring down my face. Then the heaviest part of my heart was realized in the midst of my tears. I realized I was exhausted, not physically exhausted but spiritually and emotionally exhausted from fear, resentment, and anger over losing my Mother. I have been a slave to fear for as long as I can remember, and the words from my heavenly father spoke so much life into my angry heart.
To encounter the faithfulness of God, I must TRUST Him, and that is a scary thing. In order to have faith, I must acknowledge a need for him. I have blamed my lack of trust and faith on my circumstances far too long. I have played “the victim” much too long. I struggle with fear. I am fearful of feeling the pain of loss again. I am fearful of God saying no to an important request I ask of Him. I am so fearful, but in that small, tender moment in my office last week, God spoke to me in a very tangible way and let me know He longs for me to be with Him when I am fearful. He is a loving God who has His heart broken daily by me. So instead of basking in my self pity, I am choosing to trust.
Hope is a beautiful thing, and I have written about it many times since Mom died. However, hope is something that is wished for. I desperately need my hope to turn into faith. I have to stop resisting how much I truly need Him.
There are so many seasons God allows us to enter. There are seasons of brokenness, seasons of heartache, celebration, disappointment, growth, life, death, and the list goes on and on. During each season of life (the good and the bad), I have to learn how to process through my own stuff, and THAT’S ON ME. That responsibility doesn’t belong to my parents, my husband, my pastor, my friends, or anyone else in my life. I have to make the choice to trust, no matter the circumstances.
I have never been more thankful for good worship music and friends who are willing to share their messy stories. I believe the greatest music and the greatest testimonies are from people who are willing to embrace their messed up lives and share how God is working in the midst of it. And while we are embracing whatever season we are in, there is true beauty. Life is truly beautiful when we worship and CHOOSE to trust in a God who so desperately wants the best for us. And on those days when I do not feel like trusting, I will choose to worship in the midst of whatever season I am in. There is a reason for this crazy journey. I am just so very thankful God is willing to gift me with the grace and mercy I need to make it through.
Those who are closest to me know when I pull away and go into “hiding”. This song is so perfect for those crazy times in my life. Please listen (at least once) and TRUST that God wants to meet us in our darkest hours.