My words are few today so I have decided to borrow some old thoughts of mine that I still think about often. When Mother was so sick, we started a caringbridge website to keep everyone informed. It became so therapuetic for me which is why I am still writing about her. The following is an old caringbridge post I wrote 3 weeks before Mother passed away. I STILL need to hear this. Maybe someone else will too. There really is a 3 year old trapped in all of us.
Written Feb 25, 2012 6:09am
This site is designed for health updates, and I have not given much info on where we are, medically speaking, in a while. So, here goes…
Mother started her next cycle of chemotherapy last week. I have lost count, but I think it is the 4th cycle (maybe 5th). The few days of rest she receives from chemo goes by all too fast for her. Her pain level is better but never completely gone. The side effects of chemo are not easy, and the discouraging part is knowing she will have to take it forever. Her cancer is not curable but treatable. However, the poison you have to take to treat cancer is not necessarily a welcome guest in your body. The silver lining is, it kills the bad stuff too. We visit her oncologist every 3 weeks, and Friday, March 1 is the next one.
The swelling in her right arm caused by the lymphedema (caused by the cancer) is still there and quite possibly the most frustrating thing for her. It is somewhat debilitating and has made this entire cancer process much more troublesome for her. She has no use of her arm, and the extreme heaviness from the swelling really throws her balance off. So, walking in a straight line is quite the task.
Watching Mother go through this stirs so many emotions in all of us. Anger, frustration, sadness, impatience, and just childlike temper tantrums come to mind when I think of how I have felt this week. All of those emotions sound so similar to what our 3 year old demonstrates when she doesn’t get what she wants. There are days Charlotte does not understand why she can’t have popsicles for breakfast. There are moments when she screams in the church parking lot because we make her hold our hand. There is sobbing when we give her time out for saying “leave me alone!” We know what is best for her, but she does not understand our reasoning behind our choices.
There is a great need in my own life to discover this childlike faith when it comes to God and our situation right now. I have pitched some fits (just like Charlotte), but I have to trust that He knows best for our family just like we parent our children. I don’t understand. Maybe I never will on this side of eternity. I don’t think I am capable of grasping the answers to the questions I have. However, I know that God loves us even more than I love my own children. I choose to believe that, even when I don’t necessarily feel like it. Children are examples of humble faith, and that is what I am praying for all of us as we go through this. *The picture I added to this entry is of Charlotte saying the blessing….with her eyes open. She and I are so much alike.